Today was the Day.

Today would have been our EDD (estimated due date) of our “maybe baby” as we called our little one. I’m sad but I know God has a plan and perfect time for us to create a family. Today, I would have had the forever title of mom but now my mom is watching over our babies until we join them all in Heaven.
For some reason I have been on a baby name kick lately. I have three (yes, three) baby girl names I absolutely adore. Boy names are much harder to decide on though. I don’t really like any names (which means I will most likely be blessed with a boy since I can’t decide haha).¬†I will keep them secret but the majority are family names that mean so much to me. Maybe I will have triplet girls and I won’t have to decide anything haha.

Yesterday was my birthday. My husband bought me the most beautiful angel pendant necklace. I am absolutely in awe! I don’t usually like gold jewelry, just my personal preference, but I adore this necklace. I’m so very blessed! Even with him so far away he has a way of making me feel so important.

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“To remember the day you were forever bonded with your mother and 20 years later gave me the best gift in the world.” -Hubby

I’m blessed =)

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Baby Names

I was just thinking of baby names and realized my hubby and I haven’t really talked about names in awhile. Of course him being gone makes conceiving a child impossible but we haven’t talked babies in quite some time. It’s not that he won’t talk about it if I bring it up but I haven’t brought babies up in a long time. Next month, if things were different, we would have been parents. Sleepless nights and loving on our miracle baby. But things aren’t different. Three miscarriages and no reason as to why. Maybe next year I will get some answers but for now, I skirt over my desire to be a mother and pretend I’m okay.

Some women know exactly what names they would choose but I only have one definite and that’s only because my mom passed. I would give my daughter my mom’s middle name but I don’t know anything else. I don’t discuss names much because there is always someone that dislikes what I like. I guess when we do become pregnant we will have to really decide on a name but who knows when that will be. I guess I’m wondering if anyone out there has a name for a boy and girl they know without a doubt they would name their child. Or am I the only one that doesn’t really know or can’t decide?

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Sad Holidays

I can’t seem to get into the holiday spirit this year. Last year was the first time in at least six years that my husband and I were able to spend Christmas together. This year, like most years, Christmas will be spent apart. It’s hard to get into the spirit. I don’t believe in spending a ton of money of presents to prove my love and gratitude towards someone. I’m more of the “spending time with family” type. My mom, she was the present and spending money type. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t important how many presents I got. Though her last Christmas with us, we didn’t get her very much. The picture I took of her didn’t even turn out. I wish I could see her smiling face again. I know she is still with me and I’m grateful to feel her with me. I just hope I can make it through the holiday without turning into a huge scrooge.

I’m in the process of job hunting. I wanted a job weeks ago but I’ve been sick off and on. I’m not the most motivated person sometimes. This week, I’m planning on going to my grandma’s house to visit. Just for a few days. I was going to call the temp agency to set up an appointment but I’m worried if I make an appointment a week away someone may think I’m not very interested in getting a job. Maybe I will apply at the bank, though there aren’t many bank jobs available. I just wish I had direction again!

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Defeated…..

I woke up this morning feeling sad, alone and broken. I woke up from a dream and I just remember I was talking to a wife of my husband’s friend, and I remember saying “he is going to leave me. I can’t have kids.” I have never really said this before but now I’m awake, thinking if I will be enough for my husband. Yes, we have talked about adoption but that’s hard with him being active duty military. I feel like crying this morning. I can’t believe how defective I feel right now.

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Seeing my hubby!!

I’m off to see my husband tomorrow!! I’m so excited!! I cannot wait to be with him again and honestly, it’s only been two or three weeks since he left to go back to Washington. How am I going to survive a year without him? We have done this once before but I was able to visit him for three months since the dorms in South Korea were mold infested… Sadly that’s been fixed =( lol. It’s nice having some place to escape after most of my friends have ditched me or forgotten plans with me. Now that I’m leaving, they all want to get together! This is going to be a very long year if things continue this way. I am excited to look for a job but packing today kicked my butt! How am I going to survive working for eight or nine hours a day? Lol! Suck it up I guess huh?! ūüėČ

It has been raining here for days now! I guess I brought the rain with me from Washington but sadly, it’s going to be raining there too lol. Too bad we couldn’t have gotten stationed someplace warm but I guess I wouldn’t have met some of the people we know (which is either a good or bad thing since they are just as flaky or self-absorbed). Honestly, after my latest miscarriage I became a hermit. I was so happy when we found out we were pregnant and I allowed my hopes to get too high. We knew better but it felt perfect. Nothing can be perfect for me but I will continue to hope. I have dealt with many hurtful comments after my latest miscarriage, from women with multiple children, and I just never felt like those women could ever relate. Some women (we all know them) seem to take their children for granted and I can’t be friends with those types. I hate the comments of “well you don’t have kids, so what do you know?” It’s a dig into my heart that completely shatters me. This is the reason I had sheltered myself the past few months¬†I was in Washington. I didn’t feel like talking about¬†what happened and I really didn’t want to talk to the women who had children. We all deal with this differently I guess. Somehow this has turned into a strange direction lol.

Oh, my husband sold his car today! He’s had this Pontiac for YEARS and I¬†never¬†really liked it, but this was his baby. We had no idea at the time that the person who bought the car actually lived on our block! We found out yesterday and since he put the car on Craigslist, it’s really strange¬†and mind blowing to us lol.¬†Today the person buying the car knocked on hubby’s door instead of calling him and they drove him home lol. Yet, they met him in the parking lot¬†of Safeway this whole week until they¬†all¬†figured out they lived so close. When I say block, I really¬†mean a few houses down from us. Crazy small world! I guess hubby will be able to say good bye to his baby before he leaves for Korea¬†¬†

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In VA!

Hubs and I had an eventful roadtrip! Non-stop from Arizona to Virginia. Sadly, I was sick during the road trip so I didn’t do as much driving as I hoped. Hubs and I made it safely and really enjoyed spending time with family and friends.

I may be going to Washington to visit my hubby!! His orders may be delayed to Korea with all these budget cuts and government shut down. It’s possible I may be living with him for a few months, which is both a blessing and putting off the inevitable. Not that I won’t enjoy spending time with him, but I prepared myself for him to leave and we said our goodbyes for a year. I can’t wait to see him though! Hopefully we can afford this but we have to talk about it still. I’ve missed him so much and it’s only been about two weeks since I saw him last. One whole year away from my love =(

My friend is about to have her baby! I had a crazy dream a few nights ago that I gave birth to a baby boy. He had my mom’s eyes and looked exactly like my husband! I felt so calm after that dream. It felt like God was telling me I would have my greatest hope and wish come true. I have never had such a vivid dream before. A dream that felt like it should be real and happening that very moment.

Just remembered to write something… I have been on BC pills since my last miscarriage four months ago (doctor’s orders). Well, I have not gotten my period this month and I have just finished the placebo pills. I have no idea what this means and my cycles have always been all over the place, unless I am on the pill. My back hurts tremendously but I’m worried my body is trying to reconfigure to time up with my pregnant best friend lol. I may be taking a test soon. Nervous about the timing of everything but nervous I’m just a mess. I hate this birth control though. I’ve gained ten pounds in four months. For being 4’9, it’s not so great… I feel like I have gained a full cup size and people are noticing (including my mother-in-law as soon as she saw me). Not sure what to do right now. I better change my Tricare region tomorrow just in case but I know I’m not supposed to travel if I am pregnant. I can’t imagine getting pregnant while on the pill but this has never happened to me before. Anyone have this happen?

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Road Trip!

Today is the day we hit the road and head out east! End location of Virginia! Of course we are stopping to visit my grandfather in Arizona and my grandmother in southern Virginia (dad lives in northern VA – and yes, there is a huge difference between the two areas). Plus we will be visiting hubby’s friends in Pennsylvania and his parents/family in upstate New York.

So, I’m just waiting to see when hubs gets out of work today. Hopefully before noon but he is training someone to take over his job. With South Korea right around the corner, this is¬†our vacation/quality time together. I guess I’m anxious to get back home but at the same time, dreading the thought of it. It was nice not feeling like I had to be responsible¬†for anyone besides myself and hubby.¬†¬†Oh, and my dog lol.

I keep thinking of the future, when we are stationed at Langley. I am so very excited about that chapter in life! Hopefully I will get some answers about why we’re having these infertility problems and find a doctor that actually cares. I’m going to start charting again and get off the birth control. I want to have answers by the time my husband gets home from Korea (one year, unaccompanied tour) that way we can try to start a family as soon as he is home. I just want answers. The doctor I talked to here on JBLM was so mean and rude. “Just don’t try for a few months, no referral for you.” She was also deaf and looked at me like I was an idiot for wanting to just talk to a specialist about why we’ve had three miscarriages. If it’s something as simple as low hormone levels than I could start preparing my body now for the future and figure out my cycles…
Getting off topic, sorry! Anyways, I better catch a nap and eat a little breakfast! Fingers crossed we don’t get any tickets, in any accidents and the car doesn’t break down! Yes, let me think of those things now lol. Oh, hubs is sick this morning so this road trip should be a lot of fun! I caught the flu last year while we were driving out here. That was awful! I was such a pain! Whiny, obnoxious, cold and hot. I couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice lol. Poor hubs! I hope every one has a wonderful week! I may be away for some time but as soon as things settle down, I’ll jump back on the computer!

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